


But Grow If I Can't

by mediocrityatbest



Series: Sanders' Sides Apocalypse AU [2]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Definitely read, Don't Stop If I Fall first, Gen, I WASN'T EXPECTING IT EITHER, SEQUAL???, SO, and here is all i have to give, and it gave me a lot of ideas, if you want a good understanding of what's going on and why, so i wrote this shit in one damn sitting, somebody on tumblr asked what came after Don't Stop If I Fall ended, take that as you will, thanks for reading, there's only sort of character death, this is an apocalypse au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-02
Updated: 2019-07-02
Packaged: 2020-06-02 22:42:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19450963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mediocrityatbest/pseuds/mediocrityatbest
Summary: One month ago, Logan lost a piece of himself. So did Patton, and so did Roman. None of them are quite sure how to deal with the sudden and unexpected loss. It feels like a puzzle, but it doesn't make any sense now. What's a puzzle without all the pieces?





	But Grow If I Can't

**Author's Note:**

> HEY, IN CASE YOU DIDN'T CATCH THIS IN THE TAGS, THIS A SEQUAL!  
> SEQUAL!!!  
> READ "DON'T STOP IF I FALL" FIRST OR ELSE YOU'LL BE CONFUSED.  
> THIS IS PART TWO, SO IF YOU SPOIL YOURSELF FOR THAT STORY, I CAN'T HELP THAT.
> 
> Please enjoy and read with caution. The tags say what to look out for.

It had been a month since they’d found this clearing.

One month since they’d devised the plan to try a mountain.

One month since they’d made a desperate run for an inconceivable future.

One month since Virgil had died.

In that month, a lot had changed.

They were no longer nomadic. Logan, Patton, and Roman had made a farm of sorts. Roman was teaching them how to plant and care for all the different seeds he’d collected while they’d still been running. He’d grown up in a city, but as far as Logan knew, Roman had always been talented with plants. Even his dorm, when they’d passed it on their way off campus so long ago, had been overflowing with plants.

Logan had grown up on a farm in the south, but he didn’t know the first thing about how to make fruit or vegetables grow. He could hunt with the best of them, though, and that’s mostly what he did. It was easier to hunt than it was to look at Roman and Patton. It was easier to let an arrow fly from the bow he’d made than it was to see how permanent their camp looked. It was easier to cut the throat of dinner than it was to see three where there should have been four.

Patton hadn’t quite been normal since it happened, Logan reflected as he drew an arrow. None of them had been, but especially Patton. If anyone promised him anything he’d burst into tears, but he was doing that a lot anyway.

The first couple days had been the worst. Patton hadn’t cried or talked or done anything. Roman had set his mind on finding the safest place he could with ample area to grow their own food, and that was all he’d done. Logan had sat in the spot he’d collapsed and cried and raged for two days.

Then the reality sank in.

Patton had been a ship to sea patched with duct tape that was being reapplied every few minutes. He would smile, nothing like he used to, and almost immediately look guilty. Sometimes he just started crying for no reason and nothing could make him stop. Sometimes he got so mad he’d punch a tree, and sometimes he didn’t stop. It was. . .horrible.

Sometimes, Patton just needed a hug.

Logan notched the arrow and pulled it back.

The hugs were the worst. Logan couldn’t remove him because his best friend of years was crying on him and obviously needed comforting. But Logan didn’t know what to do, couldn’t respond how he knew he needed to. So he just sat there and let Patton cry, and then, when he was done, Logan went hunting.

He let the arrow fly.

In the time since they’d become more or less functional again, Logan had also put the engineering degree he’d been working on to use. He was going to be an architect, which had been mostly useless for the last five years. Virgil had always said it was going to be an invaluable skill once they chose a base. Logan had always laughed off the comment, made to make him feel better.

He wished he’d said thank you. He wished Virgil was here to say told you so.

Now, Logan had constructed the walls they kept themselves behind in the most structurally sound way possible with their limited supplies. They would do for now, while Logan made schematics for the shelter they were building. But once the building was done, the walls were going to be improved upon until there was no chance of anything getting in.

He couldn’t lose someone else, too.

Logan picked his way over to the deer and noted with some pride that it had been a kill shot. Sometimes his arrows just downed the animals and he had to kill them with a knife. He wasn’t fond of that. He’d dealt with death enough in the last five years.

In the last month.

Logan swung the animal onto his shoulders and began the trek back to their camp. Patton had figured out a system for packing and storing the meat so that they wouldn’t run out when it got cold, and Logan was more than grateful for that small mercy. It was summer now, and they were getting by on not needing as much outside protection from the weather. If it were winter, they’d have to focus on the house and there would never be time for hunting, let alone curating a garden. It would have been impossible.

Logan would like to convince himself that he’s dealing with what happened to Virgil best. He knows he’s wrong, that they’re all doing pretty equally terrible, but pretense is better than nothing, which is what Logan has now.

When he thought about it, which was not often, Logan knew Virgil would have been pretty pissed about this. He tended to be a pretty angry person, though Logan knew that was only because he turned his fear into anger. Fear immobilized him, but anger could propel him through whatever had scared him. It wasn’t an ideal system, but it could work in a bind.

What they were now was immobilized. Logan couldn’t think about the fourth piece of himself and he couldn’t face the other two. Patton went through emotions so quickly Logan got motion sickness, but he’d never actually talk about it and he never tried to deal with the problem. Roman was more like Logan, focusing on anything that wasn’t their missing corner piece.

They were like a figurative puzzle. Each one of them was a corner piece. Logan in the top right and Roman in the top left. Virgil was the bottom right and Patton the bottom left. Together they made some kind of picture. And it was strange, because every other piece of their figurative puzzle was still there, but the picture wasn’t making sense. Logan could trace all the pieces touching him and get to Roman, or to Patton. When Logan began down the path that should’ve lead to Virgil, there was no end. The piece next to him could be the bracelet he wore that Virgil had given each of them one of. It was meant to be a constant reminder that they had a reason to keep going. The next piece could be the way Logan made analogies in his head at Virgil’s suggestion because it helped him understand more figurative language and kept his mind occupied when it needed to be. Another piece could be the breathing technique Logan taught Virgil the first time he had a panic attack. And another could be the fidget toy Logan had made him out of sticks and strings and other odds and ends to keep his hands occupied when they needed to be.

And all of that should have lead to Virgil. It should have gone from Logan, to the things they shared, to Virgil. Virgil should have been the end of the path.

But there was nothing there.

Logan staggered back into camp - Roman had called it home all of one time. It had made all three of them start bawling - and dropped the deer where Patton preferred to prepare them. He didn’t want any part in that, and it was easier to work on building or hunting.

Patton popped up from where he’d been digging and came to Logan, tiny smile in place. He used to look like the sun when he smiled. Now he just looked tired. And maybe a little resigned.

“Hey, Lolo! Good find!” Patton always said  _ good find _ , as though Logan had just found the deer laying there and brought it back by chance. Logan had corrected him at first, but it wasn’t worth it to remind them both of death and pain when it wasn’t necessary, so Logan had given up and Patton continued to pretend they weren’t killing anything.

Patton had tossed around the idea of going vegetarian, just to stay away from more death, but they didn’t have the nutrients to survive that way and they’d never have the food stores in the winter to sustain themselves, otherwise. Maybe, one day, they could erase all the unnecessary death around them. For now, survival had to come first.

“Patton.” Logan nodded. “I am going back out to keep looking. If I do not find anything else, I will be back in a couple hours. To work on the - shelter.” Logan wanted to give Patton some kind of reassuring gesture, like a smile or a hug or even a kind word. He couldn’t find them, though. Logan was a great hunter and great at tracking. But the words he needed left no trace behind.

“O-okay.” That tiny smile dimmed until it was gone. “Have fu - er, do well?” They still hadn’t quite found a comfortable way to end their interactions. Logan tried to limit them as much as possible because of it.

That, and maybe ten other reasons Logan didn’t think about.

“I will try,” Logan said and he began to leave. Began being the key word because Roman came sprinting at them from the trees and he looked panicked.

“Are you okay? Are you hurt? Did something happen? What’s wrong?” Logan and Patton fell over each other to make sure Roman wasn’t injured, but neither asked the question that could make or break the situation:  _ have you been bit? _

“I’m - I’m fine,” Roman panted. “I was on - on lookout. Just to make sure everything was okay, out there. And-” He stopped, clenching his jaw on a sob. Logan had a very bad feeling about this.

“What?” Patton snapped. “What’s out there, Roman?” Logan winced at the change in tone, the change it manner. Another switch. He’d be crying in five to ten minutes at this rate. Logan had it down to a science.

“Just come with me.” Roman waved them on, so they all walked back to the spot Roman watched out of. It was a crude set of stairs leading up to an even shoddier platform. Nothing Logan ever would have constructed, so Roman must have done this himself. He didn’t seem to notice the instability though, and threw himself up the steps like an Olympic pole-vaulter.

Logan didn’t think the platform could possibly hold all thr-hold three adult males, but he followed Patton up anyway. If they fell, he would just get to go hunting sooner.

“Look,” Roman whispered. Logan looked over the wall, and he stopped breathing.

They had never seen one of the  _ things  _ outside their camp. They had never seen one of  _ them  _ come anywhere near this far up the mountain. They had never seen one travelling alone before.

This one had done all three, and with an all-too-familiar face.

“Virgil,” Patton gasped. The anger was gone, replaced with tears and he was crying ugly now. The  _ thing _ -Virgil? Which one was it? It couldn’t be both, and Logan knew his friend was gone, wasn’t part of the puzzle anymore, so it had to be a  _ thing _ . The  _ thing  _ looked up toward the sound Patton was making, and groaned lowly, leaning toward the wall. It didn’t scratch at the wall, and it didn’t keep groaning. It just leaned there, like it was waiting to be let in.

Horror coursed through Logan’s bloodstream as he watched what was happening. This wasn’t right, it wasn’t natural, it shouldn’t be happening,  _ they  _ didn’t behave that way. They walked and clawed and groaned and sometimes they screamed, but they never stood there so silent like that and just  _ leaned _ when there was prey nearby. Where they evolving? Could something that was dead evolve? Did it matter? Did-

“Logan!” Roman had shaken his shoulders to get his attention, and Logan came back to awareness. They still had an issue to take care of. The questions could wait.

“What’s he doing here?” Patton’s voice stayed at a choked whisper, but not even the wind was blowing. The world had gone silent, waiting. Everything was waiting.

“It’s one of those  _ things _ ,” Logan said. It was endangering his family, so he’d kill it. He reached for an arrow. “It’s one of  _ them _ , so we need to get rid of it.”

“No!” Roman lunged forward, knocking the arrow in Logan’s hand back into the pouch.

“ _ It’s Virgil! _ ” Patton screamed, but his voice was hoarse already. It didn’t sound like much. It still punched Logan in the gut and made him feel like he had on that first day again.

“No.” His voice shook. “It is a  _ thing _ . Virgil is dead. Virgil died so we could come here! Virgil died for us!  _ That _ is a mockery of what he was! What he isn’t.” Logan scowled, tried to figure out when he’d started crying, looked anywhere but at Patton or Roman or the  _ thing _ .

“That is Virgil, like it or not,” Roman snarled back. He was pissed. Roman hadn’t gotten mad after Virgil had died, not like Logan and Patton had. Here, it seemed, was that monster, come to rear its head and cause problems. “You cannot kill our best friend. Not after he’s already died  _ once _ .”

“You think he wants to live like that? Do you honestly believe he would ever choose to be one of  _ them _ ?” Logan was shouting. His voice rang out over the mountain, but the  _ thing _ didn’t move, didn’t make a noise. It just leaned there, waiting.

“I think any sort of life is better than none!”

“You are a moron! He would be pissed if he knew we let him go on like this!”

“Guys,” Patton whispered.

“Oh, yeah, and you’re one to talk about how anybody would feel about anything! You want to act so high and mighty, like you don’t have feelings!”

“That is not what I am doing!”

“Then what are you doing, Logan? What are you accomplishing!” 

“Guys,” Patton whispered.

“I am hunting! I am getting food so that we do not starve to death when winter hits!”

“You’re hiding from us! You-”

“Guys!” Roman’s mouth snapped shut. Logan took a deep breath and forced it out in Virgil’s pattern. Evidently Patton’s Dad Voice™ held as much sway over them as ever. “Now is not the time for fighting. We have to do something. If he stays like that up this far up, he starves. It’s a slow death, and even if he is one of  _ them _ now, it will probably be painful. The other options are to catch him and take him back down the mountain or - or kill him. But we can’t do nothing.” Tears streamed down Patton’s cheeks, but his voice didn’t waver. Logan appreciated that. He liked options and he liked stability. Patton was, somehow, providing both.

“We can’t kill him! He is Virgil! Have you already forgotten him or do you just not care? Is that all he meant to you, someone to die when you needed him to?” Logan wasn’t sure which of them Roman was even talking to, he just knew it needed to stop. Patton looked somewhere between sad and angry, but less tired than before. More alive. More like Patton, somehow.

“Why did he come up the mountain?” Roman opened his mouth angry, then hesitated and looked at Logan like it was a trick question. “I’m serious.” Logan’s hand ghosted over where his necktie used to be. He’d worn it until it had almost gotten him killed, and then turned it into a bandana until it had become so used it simply fell apart and could not be salvaged. He still, years later, missed it. “None of the others have come up here and it exerts far more energy than  _ they _ usually use. So why is he up here?” Logan realized he’d called the  _ thing _ a he, as good as saying it was Virgil down there. He didn’t want it to be. Maybe it was.

“I don’t know.” Roman dragged the words out, one hand rubbing thescruff on his face. “Perhaps there isn’t a food source down there,” he suggested. “Or perhaps he found himself wanting of better company.” Logan shrugged, but Roman had a tiny smile. Problem solving calmed him down like nothing else.

“Maybe he smelled us.” Patton looked contemplatively down the mountain. He was still crying.

“Why would he have followed our scent all the way up a mountain?” Roman looked like he couldn’t believe it, but his voice was quiet enough to betray the truth.

“Maybe,” Patton muttered, “he wants our help.”

The three looked down at their fourth. He was a ragged sight, collapsing on a wall like a drunk or a corpse. He was one of them, but he was also, still, unmistakably  _ Virgil _ .

“You’re right. He wouldn’t want this. Not for him or for us.” Roman laughed in a way that sounded more like a sob. “He needs our help whether he wants it or not. I think we have to. . .save him. Like he saved us. This time we return the favor?” Roman looked at Logan and Patton. He didn’t look sure. None of them did. But Patton nodded, and that was confirmation enough for Logan.

“Insomuch as we can.” He nodded to his two remaining friends, his family and drew an arrow. He thought of everything he hadn’t said, and all the things he needed to say.  _ I love you _ and  _ I’m sorry _ topped that list. There would be time for that later, though.

Logan notched the arrow and pulled it back. He remembered how it had felt to have someone so completely as the four of them had each other. Relying on one another was instinct more than decision. It was what worked and made sense. It was what they needed. It was what they had.

Now their puzzle was a little off-kilter. It wasn’t symmetrical or complete, and it never would be. There was a piece missing, irreplaceable and priceless. It was never going to be what it once had been. That was fact.

But they still had each other. And the puzzle was still mostly intact. The picture had changed some, but it was still there, something that made sense. That empty place at the end of Logan’s row should not have been there, and it was not something he’d ever get used to. But he still had every piece that connected them, everything that had been theirs was still Logan’s. He still had Virgil as much as one person could have another. They were family, always, and Logan would remember that, this time. Virgil wasn’t entirely gone, he was just with them differently. In the bracelets and the sarcastic jokes and the alertness he’d hammered into them all. Virgil lived as long as they did. And that could be enough; not perfect, but good. It could be Virgil.

Logan let the arrow fly.


End file.
